This tweet lives in my head rent free.
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interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead