Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
smartest karate player in the world
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
The three genders
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead