DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
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*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
#SaturdayBears
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.