[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
You Might Also Like
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.