[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.