[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.