[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.