*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
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I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Wednesday
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.