I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
girls literally only want one thing..
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”