[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.