[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Ah yes. The three genders
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
58.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
a lot to unpack here