[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
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I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono