If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Not helping
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.