spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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no!! no!!!!!!
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
When you don’t understand how floors work
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.