[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You Might Also Like
*sewing*
A thread
The only equipped I am is ill.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?