Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I think this cat is broken
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I identify as an antique shop.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
the red hot silly peppers
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more