( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
The struggle is real.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years