[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
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i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.