[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
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Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”