[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough