[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a new favorite meme page
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
This could be us but you eatin’
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.