[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
S O O N
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.