[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know