*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
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On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”