*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”