[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
From my Mom
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond