[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
You Might Also Like
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I bet birds love this building.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Can’t, holding a grudge
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u