[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My wife gives the best headache.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!