[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”