[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS