If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.