[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
beware of dog
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are