[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.