[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Whoa 😂
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me