[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
May have had one breakfast too many
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.