[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
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5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?