[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
You Might Also Like
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Animal poetry
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Flock of bats
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.