Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My dress code is business-casualty.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron