Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early