Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”