Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I drew y’all a little something.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.