@iamspacegirl: Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.
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@MomesTheWord: I talk to my librarian like he's my drug dealer. "You don't have it yet? I need something now; what've you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!"
@amydillon: BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.? ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap* BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
@1CleverClogs: My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.
@TheBoydP: Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body...