@iamspacegirl: Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.
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@mayamanion: In my son's class they were talking about allergies, my son said "My mom says she's allergic to most other moms" Super
@Gupton68: [planning a family vacation] Me: ...then we'll get a bus between the cities. Kids: Yayy, cool! Wife: That's quite some distance, how long’s this bus? M: About 45 feet, I guess W: I despise you
@BoomBoomBetty: Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in. Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
@roxiqt: ME: "I'm thankful for my skeleton because if I didn't have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish." THERAPIST: "Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week."