Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”