Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.