I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.