Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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Sooo many times…..
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I love the honesty
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.