Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.