BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see