[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
New tinder profile pic
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”