Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
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Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
very niche meme I made
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Happy Caturday!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*