Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The Sun
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.