Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
never forget
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away